As a child I dreamed of becoming a mom. I played house constantly and set up my entire basement as my own "house." My dad was finishing the basement for most of my house playing days and once he finished framing a room, I claimed it for a room in my house! I clearly remember when he finished framing the room for the sports items. I made this my baby room. I hung stuff from the walls and made it look adorable. I played house forever, meaning all day and into the night, and way past a normal age to be playing house. I loved it and I loved picturing life as a mother. I was obsessed. I watched
Three Men and a Baby and
Look Who's Talking all the time. Truly, I was obsessed.
Once I was of age to babysit that was all I did from that point. I quit playing house and became a high demand babysitter. I loved babysitting and I was good at it. I use to babysit all the families in the neighborhood and parents would book my in July for New Years Eve. I was good! Now if only I had saved all that money I made babysitting, I would be rich now! Oh well!
When Ted and I got married we decided to wait a bit to have kids. I agreed which, quite honestly surprised me because after all I was obsessed with being a mom. I thought for sure that since I wanted to be a mom my whole life that one day when I got married I would have kids right away and at least a dozen (maybe not a dozen but at least 4). We waited and we "pulled the goalie from the net" about a year into our marriage.
I was convinced that since I wanted babies so bad that it would be easy and I would get pregnant right away. This did not happen, it wasn't even a few months. You see I remember it clearly. We "tried" and "tried" and nothing happened. I never got that + sign. It took time. All good things take time. Finally on Dec. 17th, 2005 (exactly 6 years to the day of our first date) we were pregnant (with the help on a drug called,
Clomid. It was wonderful! I was thrilled and I was ready! After all, I babysat every kid in the neighborhood, played house for years, and studied child development in teaching. Could I be any more prepared?
OH YEA!!!!! I never expected to experience difficulties or have curveballs thrown at me. But parenthood has sure done that. I was never ready and no amount of playing house, babysitting, teaching or child development courses would have prepared me.
Sure I was prepared to change diapers, bottle feed (not breastfeed), put kids to bed, and even potty train (spent a summer being a nanny to triplets that were potty training). I was NOT ready for illnesses, or that feeling of not being able to help your child. I was NOT ready for the extreme love I would develop in an instant that can be overbearing and make you do things you never thought you would.
I am talking about my last year. This past year has been difficult. It all started last September I guess. It was last September when I realized that Johnny was not talking or making some milestones at the pace that is defined by Dr. Sears or any other "expert." I contemplated over and over whether to call Child Find and have him evaluated. Until, one day I was walking in the neighborhood when I ran into another mom here in the neighborhood, who is also a teacher and I respect immensely (she is mom of the year). I casually mentioned that I was contemplating "the call" she listened and said, "do it! Then you will never wonder, should I have?" She was right and the next day I called. His appointment was October 27th.
We went to Child Find and it was overall a wonderful experience. They (the specialists who evaluate) took us into a room filled with toys and climbing things, etc. Johnny got to play and they talked to us. They watched him and talked more. We answered the questions and I remained strong. Until, the lightning hit. They told us he was six months behind. I was honestly in my heart hoping that I had overreacted. I am the queen of overreacting! I was not overreacting. He was behind, and I was feeling guilty. I felt responsible. Remember, I studied child development and I was teacher. I kept saying over and over in my head, "how could a TEACHER let this happen to HER kid!" And then I cried. Ted rubbed my thigh and patted my back, kissed my forehead and told me it was OK. Which of course, made me cry worse. Then the poor specialists didn't know what to do with me and I cried out, "I am a teacher, how could this be?" They were so wonderful and calming and said that we had not done anything wrong. I didn't believe them. I was still upset but thrilled that we were taking the right steps to help him. I was on the other side of the table and it was different perspective to be the parent who is hearing the hard stuff about their kid, instead of being the person who shares the hard stuff about the student. This, in the end, made me a better teacher and accomplish more but it is still hard.
We got Johnny "staffed" and his speech therapy started. He made progress and then I looked back and realized that it was so minor and so easy and all in all, I am very lucky. I have a friend who has a much more difficult situation and she is so strong and continues to amaze me daily on how she has changed and become a wonderful mom. I am lucky, she is lucky! We all have different situations and it makes us stronger.
January started and I celebrated the New Year with 2010 being over! Little did I know that 2011 would not start out so grand either. Right after the New Year Hollin got sick with croup. I am a croup specialist now (not really but man I feel like it since my kids get it all the time!!!). This was by far the worst case of croup she had ever gotten and her fever was crazy high. She was even having hallucinations. I remember her pushing the knot on the wood of the coffee table like it was a button and running around screaming, completely out of it. It was terrifying. We went to the doctor a couple times and finally, they gave us some amoxicillian to kill any infection that she might have and they weren't finding, also because I had just gotten over strep and Johnny tested positive for strep at the same doctors appointment. Later that night we were eating dinner and Hollin said she had bumps all over her. Both Ted and I looked and it looked almost like hives. We thought she was having an allergic reaction to the amoxicillian but after more doctors visits and Hollin not being able to walk we found out she had
HSP. It took time but we got over that.
In March, I had taken Johnny to an ENT because he had already had 17 ear infections and it was a culprit to impacting his speech. It was quickly determined that he needed to get tubes, which required surgery. We had his surgery at the Children's Hospital (amazing place). They were wonderful and my little boy looked adorable in his hospital gown but nothing prepared me for the anesthesia. They had Ted and I take him back to OR to put him under and hold him. I sat in a chair with my little man and he was terrified. He cried and kept saying momma. It was hard. They put the mask on him which made him cry even more and then the cries got quieter and softer and quieter to nothing. In the meantime, he twitched and his eyes rolled back into his head. Ted was right there with me and nothing or no one could have prepared me for that awful feeling at that exact moment. I cried and the nurses handed me gauze to wipe my eyes (word to the wise- don't wipe your eyes with gauze-it is rough and hurts). After Ted and I left the OR we went back to our room, to get our things and cried. It was hard. Really hard and I would wish it on my worse enemy. It was a quick easy surgery that has performed miracle for my little man but I did not practice this while babysitting or play house in this scenario.
Meanwhile, in February Hollin was complaining of tooth pain so I finally made her an appointment at the dentist (doctors appointments were getting harder to make because I was running out of sick days and Ted's bosses are cranky and not understanding). I took her to the dentist to have her teeth cleaned. They took one look into her mouth and found out almost immediately that she had cavities and needed oral surgery to remove a tooth, put a crown on and fill other cavities. We are not talking laughing gas, a shot and done. No, we are talking a hospital visit, with anesthesia, the works. We booked it and she had this surgery on Monday (yesterday).
This surgery was not like Johnny's. It was hard in other ways (harder? Nope. Just different). She was excited and very ready to get rid of the "naughty tooth." She had her surgery at another facility which I will not name. It wasn't Children's and I will forever regret that. She loved her gown, hat and everything else. She went under fairly easily (helped that I wasn't holding her). It was still hard but much easier. Her surgery was 2 hours!!!!!!!! It was the longest two hours of my life. When the dentist came out and told me it was over I was relieved. A little prematurely actually as I later found out. She came out of it but not so good. She was angry and in pain. The IV in her hand was killing her and she was belligerent actually. A side of Hollin no one has seen and it was scary. She ripped her gown off and was trying with all of her might to rip her IV bandage out and rip it out. Ted and I had to keep her hands off her IV and try to talk to her but she was still so out of it. She screamed and screamed. I was scared and wanted to get her to stop and calm down but I couldn't. Her own mother could not get her calm down. I had not practiced this while playing house. My babies always calmed down. Huh? I wonder why? Oh wait, I know, they were not real. Moving on, back on topic, eventually the nurse pulled out her IV and Hollin was right, it did hurt. It had shifted or something and was under her skin instead of her vein, resulting in a very swollen arm. I was mad (I forgot to mention that she also had a bruised eye). My baby had a swollen arm, bruised eye and was not the baby I gave them more than two hours ago. No one prepared me for this and nothing could have. All I can honestly say now is I am glad it is over.
Next Monday I am to go back to Children's for Johnny to do a Sleep Study. It continues but again, it is not that bad. Could be worse. It has been hard and I was not prepared. Nothing could have prepared me.
Would I trade it for the world? No! Did I learn from it all? YES! Am I stronger because of it? I hope so! I love every moment but man, oh man, they should find a way to incorporate some of this in "playing house." Just kidding!
